In the past decades, we have seen several movements that demand immediate action. Peace activists declare, “Peace Now”! Messianists declare, “Moshiach Now”! I am struck curious that the causes for which we tend to demand immediate results are circumstances that tend to be beyond our sphere of control. No matter how much I may want peace, I cannot achieve it without the cooperation of others, whom I do not control. Similarly, no matter how many good deeds or mitzvot I do, I cannot forcibly bring the Messiah. On the other hand, I can control how I relate to my child; hence, I suggest the founding of a movement, “Developmentally Attuned Parenting Now”!
When I practice developmentally attuned parenting, I see the child based on his or her individual development, capabilities, and limitations. I relate to him or her based on where he or she is truly holding, and not based on a fantasy vision of where I wish my child to be. I set “SMART” goals for my child, meaning they are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely.
In times of war, trauma, and stress each of us tends to withdraw into our personal, idiosyncratic place. It becomes much harder to empathize and display compassion for anyone else, as we are all feeling drained and washed out. It becomes easy to become mis-attuned with those closest to us. Our families are often the uncounted casualty of war.
There is no doubt that the emotional demands placed upon each of us have been compounded since October 7th. Among humans, psychologists note that the first area of function that deteriorates under stress is referred to as executive function. Executive functions are brain functions that allow us to exhibit self-control and regulate our behaviors and emotions so that we act mindfully rather than react instinctively to the world around us. When we act mindfully, we are capable of choosing parenting behaviors that are attuned to the developmental needs of our children. When we react instinctively, our children are at the mercy of our whims, emotions, and impulses.
- Increase self-care behaviors. Under stress, the instinctive reaction is to cease taking care of ourselves. We tend to think that it is selfish to engage in acts of self-care when others are in danger. This is correct if you are in an acute situation that requires an immediate response. For example, if you see a speeding car heading towards a toddler, clumsily crossing a street, you may take a risk and push the toddler out of harm’s way. Our current war situation is not analogous to the toddler. Days are turning into weeks, weeks into months, and perhaps months into years. Because we are in a chronic situation of heightened stress neglect to self-care will render us useless to help others. If you wish to be developmentally attuned as a parent, you must take care of your personal needs first. Whether it’s physical exercise, study, meditation, visiting family and friends, or praying, it is essential to take care of yourself, to have the basic strength to parent your children.
- Observe with wonder your child’s innate capabilities. During this time, it is important to acknowledge that our children are aware of the degree of our stress. It is important to share verbally that times are hard for both big and little people. The Iron Man or Maiden role that many feel compelled to project is perceived as false by our children. We are scared, and our children are scared. It is absurd and mis-attuned to state that we are not. When we validate our fears and those of our children, we legitimize the feelings and allow them and ourselves to deal with them constructively. Allow your children to express themselves with words or with drawings. Understand that some of their less-than-spectacular actions reflect their attempts to cope with a challenging reality. One need not go into the gory details that are part of our fear of war, however, it is important to acknowledge that we have fears, but that we can live with them and not have them dictate our behaviors.
- Set limits and create “SMART” expectations, based on your child’s developmental level. If you are capable of observing your child’s natural fears and understanding that fears are a natural reaction to a scary reality, then you can set expectations that strengthen your child. These expectations are:
- Specific: Describe in a behavioral way that is easily understood what we expect the child to do.
- Measurable: Describe our expectations in a measurable way. For example, if you expect your child to put his or her dishes in the sink after eating, you state that after the meal you expect the child to put their personal dishes in the sink. You do not say after the meal you expect the child to clean up the table, as this is too vague and leaves room for misinterpretation.
- Attainable: Present children with tasks that are developmentally appropriate and that they have a good chance to succeed in.
- Relevant: Present children with tasks that are meaningful to them and the family.
- Timely: Present tasks with specific time limits. In other words, we tell children when the tasks are to be performed.
- Be A Role Model for your child. When we engage in self-care and self-regulate our own emotions and impulses, we are acting as role models that children will internalize for a lifetime. No one is perfect and we need not strive to be something that is not human. But when we role model an attempt to live in sync with our deepest values, we emerge as imperfect, human role models, and this is our highest possible level of functioning as people and as parents.
The outcome of the current war is unknown. The unfortunate numbers of casualties, grow daily and are difficult to deal with. Living with uncertainty and fear threatens to overwhelm our ability to parent. At times like this, authentic and mindful developmentally attuned parenting becomes an essential arsenal in our coping and overcoming the horrors of war. Developmentally Attuned Parenting Now!
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